I have always given 110%. As such, I have looked up to people, and more specifically characters, who do so too. Sometimes those characters are less than well-received. Some top ones include Tracy Flick from “Election”, Pearl from “Steven Universe”, Leslie Knope from “Parks & Recreation”, and finally, Joy from “Inside Out”.
Each of these characters could be described in the following ways: high-achiever, positive, and driven. However, those same characters can also be called super intense, difficult, and unpopular. I have always disregarded the latter negatives because honestly, their results speak for themselves. Recently though, I have been rethinking my outlook.
Is being the best worth being unliked? Is being someone who values all-in or all-or-nothing the way I want to be? My new answer is no. It has taken me 35 years to realize… that way of life is pretty damn toxic.
Why People Are Toxic Achievers
Look. If there weren’t reasons to be like the characters outlined above, there wouldn’t be so many of us Type A crazies running around. But there are… so what are those reasons?
You will be promoted: It isn’t a question, but a matter of time… you will advance in your field if you give it more than you thought possible for an extended period of time. People will disagree with me on this point, but I would wager those people gave up the level of intensity before they peaked. I have consistently become the right-hand “man” of many powerful people by living for my job. For example, in one employment situation they had to replace me with three people when I was promoted to another department.
The Downsides No One Sees
Now, that all sounds great, but here’s the downside… at night I would go home and cry myself to sleep under the covers while shoveling ice cream into my mouth. I never had time for my friends because I also had a photo business that I was also rocking. There was no space for me…
Another major issue with being the way I was? People assumed life was just “easy” for me because I was ramping up career-wise very quickly. That wasn’t the case. I worked until I was metaphorically bleeding… but I didn’t let them see that!
And another issue… people downright dislike you for living as I did. I guarantee if you aren’t “one of us” you have called them… “brown nose”, “that b*tch”, “suck up”, or something far worse.
Jealousy becomes a real thing for people who are either barely toeing the line or doing the minimum. They think they deserve the same things you do and they don’t examine the effort levels you are putting in versus them. It isn’t fair, but it happens.
*Side note: bosses shouldn’t encourage individuals like former me as it breeds a cultural problem in companies, but they do… if you are a boss, try developing these employees slowly before they burn themselves out. They will be of more use to you long-term than they will be for the 2-3 years they burn bright.
*Side note II: I want to state that in this age of “quiet quitting”, I don’t consider toeing the line to be in the same camp as that. Doing the job you were meant to do well is not the minimum. I stand in solidarity with individuals who set and maintain boundaries. It’s healthy.
Finally, what happens to people like me after ten or so years of living like this? Unchecked aggression (usually at those who can’t match the pace I’ve set… unrealistically) or anxiety that will not quit.
Does any of this sound good to you? Nah.
Being A Toxic Writer
So what does it have to do with being a writer? It means that writing 300 words at a sitting does NOT feel like an accomplishment to me. It means that I am awesome at sitting down and cranking an article, but long-form is ridiculously hard. It means that I prioritize paid work for other people over my own work. It means I can only see the finish line and that I am incapable of enjoying the process of writing a novel.
But there is hope… because I am changing. You can do it as well.
Seeing Things Differently
Several things in my life have changed recently and they have me changing my way of working…
I went to a writers' meetup where one novelist had written multiple books simply by enjoying the writing in small bursts. This probably isn’t a “novel” (haha) concept to many, but to me, it is. Before then, I was always thinking if I didn’t push out a novel in a matter of months that was a certain word count… I had failed. What he inspired me to see is that if I keep going and make progress–if I like the writing–if I get excited and continue to be so, I’ll get there and I’ll actually like doing it!
I had a daughter. Nothing will rip your routine apart like a newborn. I had been in a bit of a novel-writing slump for a while, but man, it seemed impossible to write with her around! She needed me…and she needed one million percent of me. Well, that may have been true for her first few weeks of life, but right around two months, something changed–a few things actually…
She began sleeping through the night AND she started understanding to self-soothe. In exchange, I began to realize that she could sit on her little pillow or in a chair happily, while I did things for me. That and I could do things during naps other than passing out or binging TV. Ever since that point in time, I’ve started prioritizing my writing and my reading. I can’t do it all, but I can certainly do something, which is all that matters.
I hope this helps someone. This blog is 800+ words and it wasn’t painful to write. I did it with a newborn staring at me. You too can do great things in small bursts.